Proper Praying
Mark John Ostrum - 2004-09-27 20:45:29
Updated January 3, 2005
"I am convinced I am praying properly. There is nothing you can say that can convince me otherwise."
"I am too seeking the Kingdom of Heaven. I know I am."
"I keep praying for
"My pastor says that I'm not getting what I pray for because my faith is too weak."
How many times have you thought any one of the above statements, or something similar? I know many times in my life I have said one or more of these statements. Even in my prayers I exclaimed to the Father, "I am seeking your Kingdom. You know I am." Yet what I prayed for seemed to fall on deaf ears. I was certain God had turned his face away from me. The painful truth is, he did.
If you read my article "Amazing Grace - The Blessings Of God Restored" and my personal profile, you got a good idea of where I was with respect to my walk with the Lord, where I was headed, and where I wound up. Praise the Lord he suddenly started answering my prayers.
But it wasn't because I was praying for a new job - I had given up on that. It wasn't because I was praying for money to keep a roof over my head - I had done that for two years to no avail. It was because I realized I just didn't know how to pray properly. My pastor came over to my little hovel in Temple City, CA one night in late June or early July 2004. I was in a desperate state, feeling utterly hopeless, depressed, fraught with anxiety, and even suicidal. I was smoking marijuana every day, spending up to $400 per week. I was also convinced that I was completely mentally deranged. Why else would a degreed software engineer be unemployed for two years? Why else would a reasonable man be afraid to step outside of his door during the day? Why else would a Christian attend church wearing his sunglasses and refuse to take them off during service, and even during communion?
I thought I was desperately seeking the Lord at that time also. When Pastor Z. came over, we talked much about my mental state, I cried a lot, confessed some of my other addictions to him, and his response was, to be honest quite hurtful. First he said, "Mark, I hear you talking about how you are seeking the kingdom, but your prayers are always for your own personal comfort." He also said, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself".
By the time he left, I was ready to just forget about the Lord. In fact, for a few days, I think I did. As soon as he left, I smoked some more marijuana, popped a couple morphines, and zoned out for several more days. How could he say I wasn't praying for the advancement of the Kingdom of Heaven? How could he say I was praying for my own personal comfort? After all, I had read the bible two times from December 2003 through February 2004. I had even written three hundred pages in the first draft of a manuscript talking about the truths God revealed to me during that time. All I wanted was for that manuscript to be published, and for God to give me the financial and human resources to build the ministry. Yet through it all, nothing. No job, no money, and I had literally lost everything by then.
Then, when I realized the drugs just were not able to medicate my pain away, I remembered what Pastor Z. had said to me. I suddenly realized I was feeling sorry for myself. I was praying for my own personal comfort. I really wasn't seeking the Kingdom of Heaven, I was seeking the comfort of Mark John.
At that point I decided that although I thought I was seeking the Kingdom of Heaven and praying for things for the advancement of it, I in fact simply did not know how to do any of that. Up to that point, I had understood what I professed from a human, intellectual perspective. I needed to gain a Godly perspective instead, a perspective I had no idea how to gain. So I changed my prayers, and that changed my life. Now I want to share with you specific prayers you can use when you just don't feel his presence, or you just don't think he is answering your prayers. If you are not getting what you are asking for, then you clearly do not have the proper motives, as James so clearly points out in
James 4 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
I realized I simply did not know how to pray properly, even though I had been brought up in a Chrstian environment. So I prayed this:
Father, you seem to have turned a deaf ear to me. You seem to have turned your face away from me. I thought I was seeking your kingdom. I thought I was asking for things for the advancement of your kingdom. Clearly I am not. So I am done asking for you to restore me to a gainfully employed person. You won't give that to me in my present condition anyway. Instead, I want you to give me the ability to seek first your kingdom, because I just don't know how. I want you to give me the ability to ask for things only for the advancement of your kingdom, not for my own personal comfort. I want you to give me the ability to trust you, because I just don't know how. If you want me, Lord, you need to give me these abilities. Beyond that I just don't care anymore. So just give me these things, and these are the only things I will ask for on behalf of myself. In Jesus Name, amen.
To be honest, I did not expect him to answer that prayer either. But I prayed it every night before i went to bed, despite cussing at him during my nightly walks, and my bad attitude going to church. After a few weeks, as my unemployment ran out and I was facing homelessness again, a horribly evil idea came to my mind which involved revenge in the worst possible way against someone who had hurt me very badly in the past. I allowed that idea to fester for a few days, until I realized (or rather God made me realize) just how evil that plan was. Now I was desperate. I wanted out - permanently. But I was no longer willing to commit suicide. The night I realized how horribly evil that plan was, I fell prostrate on my face, weeping and praying:
Father, this plan is so utterly evil. I simply cannot live with it. Forgive me for even allowing myself to think it through and begin to plan the details. I have sinned, Lord, and do not deserve your forgiveness. I cannot live with this plan, Lord, so I am giving you two options: Either restore me to your grace and remove all this bitterness, hatred, all this crap that is eating me up inside, or let me die. Nothing else is acceptable, Father, for I simply cannot live with this plan in my mind, and I cannot let go of the bitterness on my own. I leave it in your hands, restore me or kill me. In Jesus Name, amen.
This I prayed on Friday, August 13, 2004. All day Saturday, and the morning of Sunday I was still utterly bitter, even moreso than usual. I could not even shake hands with anyone at church that day during the "Sharing Of The Peace". And don't think it wasn't noticed. I learned later that week from some members that I had even frightened some of them.
Update Note - January 3, 2005 - I had no idea how bold this prayer was going to be. I add this note today to share how the Lord revealed that such a bold prayer is very scriptural and proper. I was reading in Numbers 11 today, where the Israelites were grumbling about the fact that the only food they had was the manna the Lord provided to them. The Lord became angry with them, and Moses prayed a similar prayer:
Numbers 11 15"If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now -- if I have found favor in your eyes -- and do not let me face my own ruin."
Well, certainly I have no reason to believe I had found favor in the eyes of the Lord by that time. In fact, I was so steeped in sin at that point. But I was still praying the prayer asking for the ability to seek first his kingdom as well. (end of update)
On Sunday afternoon the floodgates of Heaven were opened on me. That afternoon, after talking to several people on the Internet chat rooms about God's truth and receiving almost nothing but persecution, I was able to say the final prayer to solidify my walk of obedience to the Lord:
Jesus, I renounce the ways of the world and choose to serve you only. Nothing else matters. Amen.
Well I won't go into any more detail here. You can read about it in "Amazing Grace ..."
I do want to say I have taken the opportunity to share my story with many people. Now to be able to share it publicly with the world, and hopefully help bring others who don't understand why their prayers are being answered is an incredible blessing to me, a true gift of the Lord. There is one person who I was communicating with (and still do on occasion) whose life is/was heading in the same direction. I shared with her the truth of God's word with respect to her life, and she was convinced that I was wrong, she was seeking the Kingdom of Heaven. She vehemently responded to the truth I was telling her, and to the bible passages I sent, despite claiming to be a Christian.
A few days later her daughter was involved in a near-fatal car accident. My friend messaged me to apologize and said, "well she will eventually be ok, but the emotionally it will be awhile, she had terrible nightmares lastnight, and tonight she collapesed with breathing trouble. she told me that she saw my dead son (her brother she never knew), and her recently deceased grandpa beside her telling her it was not time to go,and before going into shock she said she saw god......yes i see it takes situations to get us to get a grip." (sic) (Copied from messenger archives, only spacing has been added for easier reading - this is an actual IM message).
If we are to truly walk in obedience to him and his will for us in our lives, we really need to expect him to bring us to a level of humility that we just would rather not go. But he only disciplines those he loves. Use these prayers in this story if your prayer life is stuck, and you feel like you are spinning your wheels without effect. Perhaps God is trying to tell you something about yourself that your human self just doesn't want to know about. But if you are unwilling to truly humble yourself to the Lord, he truly cannot come to your aid.
If you think I am wrong about this, read the Old Testament from Exodus through Esther, and compare your obedience to the Lord with the obedience of the Israelites.
May God's peace come to you, and may his blessing overwhelm you.